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By: Kyle Kettner
There’s a lot of football on Sundays, as you’ve probably noticed. When I agreed to do this blog, I had ideas of writing about every game and really utilizing my NFL Ticket. After trying to pay attention to my team (Da Bears!), and keep track of all the other action going on, I decided that I’m way too damn lazy to do that, and I don’t want to miss anything going on with the team I’ve followed religiously for the last 28 years.
So with that said, every week I’ll bring you sports news I deem relevant or interesting, and since football season is now in full swing, that becomes focus. I’ll review the Bears game every week. I’ve been in the greater Chicagoland area my whole life, it’s my favorite team, therefore, that’s what you get. I’ll also touch on the other games, as I will throw out some Quick Quips around the NFL. I won’t always be doing only football, but this week that’s what we got. You want stats? Hit up ESPN. You want an honest opinion from a true sports fan? Come here. I think it’s safe to say no one gives a shit about baseball anymore as the White Sox and Brewers both seem better at sucking balls than fielding a baseball team, and the Cubs seem to enjoy their run of 100+ years of futility. There’s always next season, right??
Please keep in mind that this blog is intended for entertainment purposes. I’m not a statistician, I don’t work for the NFL, I’m not the be-all end-all of the sports world. I don’t claim to know everything, just enough to hang in any conversation. ;)
Minnesota 30 Chicago 31
This game was thought to be an easy roll over for the Bears, however it was anything but that from the opening kickoff. I can’t remember the last time the Bears gave up a kickoff return for a touchdown, so the ring of “Oh, Shiiiiiiiiit” echoed through my house quite early on Sunday. Cordarrelle Patterson took the opening kickoff 105 yards for the score, setting the tone for the Vikings early. Devin Hester channeled his inner 2007 to return the ensuing kickoff 76 yards to set-up a Bears game tying TD pass from Cutler to Martellus Bennett. The next Bears touchdown was a 34 yard strike from Cutler to Marshall that could be seen from a mile away. It was a beautiful throw by Cutler. In the first half, the Bears looked the Monsters of the Midway ass-kickers that they are known to be. Adrian Peterson was held in check, and the offense seemed to click fairly well. The Vikings first two scores were a kickoff return and a fumble return for a TD. Christian Ponder somewhat mimicked an NFL quarterback for a brief period at the end of the half and drove the Vikes for a score before halftime. Unfortunately he was not too good before that as he stared down his receiver and tossed a pick 6 to Tim Jennings in the 2nd quarter. The second half was actually quite boring as the Bears offense seemed to revert to its Lovie Smith ways and couldn’t muster any points until the final 10 seconds. In the final drive the Bears drove 66 yards in 3:15 to take the victory on a nice 16 yard back shoulder throw from Cutler to Martellus Bennett.
Now you got the recap, my personal thoughts on this game…
Final Bears thought…
I’ve liked what I’ve seen from Marc Trestman so far. Sure, he may look like a pedophile, but as long as he can win some challenges (which Lovie could NEVER do) and get the best out of Cutler (which no one has been able to do) who gives a shit. But seriously, he’s got to do something about those eye brows. He looks like Uncle Touchy in town for the kid’s birthday party.
Two come from behind victories in two weeks to start the season. Both teams were over .500 last year and both teams made the playoffs. I’m not saying Super Bowl just yet, but the Bears are showing that they can be a well rounded team capable of making big plays in the clutch without relying solely on special teams or defense. Good teams find a way to win the close games, especially when they play like crap. Today the Bears did just that.
AROUND THE NFL
St. Louis – 24
Atlanta – 31
Jeff Fisher has the Rams headed in the right direction. They’re not there yet, but I’m willing to bet his moustache will get them straightened out in no time. Matty Ice threw for 374 yards and 2 scores. Another day at the office.
Washington – 20
Green Bay – 38
If there is any fan out there (that isn’t a Patriots or Broncos fan) that says he or she wouldn’t rather have Aaron Rodgers instead of your quarterback you’re a fucking liar. 480 yards and 4 scores? Sick. RG3 got RG-bitch slapped two weeks in a row now. Whatever offense the Redskins run in the last 10 minutes of a game they’re getting blown out in, they should run that all the time. It seems to be the only time that they can score points. By the way, the Redskins defense gets rolled over more than Pam Anderson. They are really bad. At least Brandon Meriweather had his annual helmet-to-helmet hit on Sunday. This time he not only sidelined Eddie Lacy with a concussion, but he took himself out as well. Won’t someone realize how bad of a football player this guy is???
Carolina – 23
Buffalo – 24
EJ Manuel took his first step to becoming an NFL QB as he took Buffalo on a game winning drive with under two minutes to go. He looks like he might warrant that 1st round pick after all. Mario Williams woke up from whatever coma he was in to collect 4 ½ sacks. Ron Rivera, you’ve just been put on notice. Another sub-par season and you’re as good as gone. Meanwhile, Steve Smith is quietly sitting in the corner wondering what the hell he’s still doing there.
Miami - 24
Indianapolis – 20
Ryan Tannehill and Andrew Luck both played decent games in the battle to see which teat the national media can suckle on for the next week. Tannehill came out ahead, and Miami is looking somewhat competitive now with a 2-0 record. Mike Wallace was happy this week (9 catches 115 yards and 1 TD) after complaining last week that he wasn’t targeted enough. There ya go Mike, you got your numbers, now shut the fuck up and go play football you whiny bitch.
Dallas – 16
Kansas City – 17
Kansas City moved to 2-0 with this victory. Granted last week’s win was against Jacksonville, and a team full of handicapped 70 year-old women could probably beat Jacksonville right now, but looks like Ol’ Fat Stache was the right coach for the job in Kansas City. Things are looking up in Arrowhead. Dallas, meanwhile, needs to pull their heads out of their asses and realize they can be a damn good team. They looked like they were still riding off the high of FINALLY beating the G-men at home. Keep getting the ball in Dez Bryant’s hands (as long as he doesn’t drop the damn thing), and the Boys will be fine.
San Diego – 33
Philadelphia – 30
Thank you, Philip Rivers. Thank you, Nick Novak. Thank you Eagles D for having more issues than Courtney Love. I guess I hold a certain disdain for Michael Vick and Desean Jackson. This disdain will keep me hoping that the Eagles finish this season 1-15. The only way I change my mind on Vick is if he officially changes his name to Ron Mexico. That would put a smile on my face. For those of you who don’t remember Vick pre-dogfight arrest, google Mike Vick Ron Mexico.
Cleveland – 6
Baltimore – 14
Congrats Baltimore. You went from Super Bowl Champs to being shut out in the first half by Cleveland. CLEVELAND! This comes a week after letting Peyton Manning run up 7 TD passes on you. The Ravens still have talent on their team, but there are some issues in Baltimore. I was never sold on Flacco being an upper echelon QB, so he has a lot to prove yet. It looks even worse for Cleveland because they are relying on Brandon Weeden not to suck. At least you managed to put your team in position to kick two field goals. Thumbs high for you, buddy.
Tennessee – 24
Houston – 30
Tennessee actually looked like the real deal the last two weeks. Taking Houston to overtime a week after beating Pittsburgh is nothing to scoff at for a team that royally blew chunks last year. Locker still looks lost at times, but he still has a little upside. Houston played ok except for their shit pile of a kicker, Randy Bullock. 0-3 Sunday (including a missed game winner) and now 1-5 on the season. Can you say CUT? Cushing and Watt continued their dominance on defense. Those are two guys you don’t want to fuck with. Especially Cushing. The guy is hilarious, but absolutely nuts. Roided much?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2HbWLPbCPs
Detroit – 21
Arizona – 25
Calvin Johnson is a straight up beast. Best receiver in football, hands down. Fitz didn’t play the whole game due to a bad hammy, but you can bet he is ecstatic that Carson Palmer is throwing to him this season instead of Kevin “slip on a mat and hurt myself because I suck at life” Kolb. The Lions will still be on the bottom of the NFC North looking up at more disciplined and better coached teams, while Arizona looks rejuvenated with a new old QB and a new old coach.
New Orleans – 16
Tampa Bay – 14
Are the Bucs going to be the sad sacks of the NFL this year? Last week’s loss thanks to LaVonte David, now this last second loss at home to a Saints team that didn’t play particularly well. Josh Freeman is looking worse by the week. Maybe a change of scenery will help him. You know what else would help him? Not sucking.
Jacksonville – 9
Oakland – 19
This was the epitome of a bottom of the barrel crapfest of a game. The two worst franchises in the NFL right now battled in this game for the early edge on the Teddy Bridgewater sweepstakes. Why not bring in Tebow for the Jaguars? It’s the only way I can see anyone watching them. I can see the rally signs now…
As for the Raiders, I guess Seabass that tubby drunk bastard was worth that hefty contract. 4 field goals Sunday. He outscored Jacksonville on his own.
Denver – 41
New York Giants – 23
Peyton wins the Manning bowl against his cry-baby younger brother. Anyone else wonder how Eli has managed to win two super bowls? And two Super Bowl MVP’s???? I can picture that convo right now….
Satan: Hi Eli. How can I help you?
Eli: My brother always kicks my ass at everything. Can I sell my soul for a couple Super Bowls?
Satan: I guess, that sounds ok.
Eli: How bout a couple SB MVPs?
Satan: I don’t think so
Eli: C’Mon Satan! I’ll suck yo diiiick!
Denver, on the other hand, looks like the best team in football. They’ve won the first two games in blowout fashion against decent opponents (I have my reservations about Baltimore), and they only look to get better.
New York Jets – 10
New England – 13
Who sucks less? The Patriots, we all knew that. I think Mark Sanchez is laughing his ass off right now making 8 mil on IR while Geno sucks a dick up and down the field. Don’t worry Geno, you’ll get a break in week 11 when Rex’s boy comes off IR. You know who else is laughing? Wes Welker. He has every right to. Belichek and the Pats treated him like shit. I’m happy to see his bromance with Peyton is working out nicely. Brady is making the most with what he has, though, so the Pats will be fine this year in a mediocre AFC East.
San Francisco – 3
Seattle – 29
Welcome back to Earth Colin Kaepernick. I don’t think the 400 yard game last week was a total aberration, but I DO think he got a dose of what a good NFL defense looks like. Last week he had his way with the Pack, but Seattle’s D is pretty formidable. With that said, the 9ers didn’t look like a Super Bowl contender Sunday night. They looked outmatched and overconfident with a Seattle team that used to be wretched. I hate to say it, but Seattle is looking like one of the better NFC teams this year. The reason I hate to say it is because I hate Pete Carroll with a passion. He reminds me of your friend’s uncle who is a total ass-hat but wants to be the “cool uncle”, so he talks like a 13 year old and tries way too hard to be up to date on current events and that “sweet dub-step stuff”. Hopefully he’ll start sucking again soon so he can get run out of the NFL for good.
Pittsburgh – 10
Cincinnati – 20
Giovanni Bernard looks good. He’s still green, but he looks like he’ll turn into a solid NFL starter. He should be the starter over the Law Firm by week 8 or 9. If you’ve seen Hard Knocks, then you know he drives his girlfriend’s Mom’s minivan. How can you not love a guy that drives his girlfriend’s Mom’s minivan?? Pittsburgh looks like they’re in trouble. Except for a few nice plays here and there, everything about Pittsburgh the first two weeks screams HOT FUCKIN MESS. The Bengals will challenge for the division this year, and see if the Dalton/Lewis combo can finally win a playoff game. I’m starting the movement to have the duo coined Mad Marvin beyond Gingerdome. I hope it sticks. Big Ben reminds me of what Chunk from the Goonies would look like 20 years after leaving the Goon Docks of Astoria and moving to the Steel City.
KYLE’S HONORABLE MENTIONS:
“Well You Didn’t Make a Lick of Difference” Performance of the Week:
Colin Kaepernick – SF 49ers
Kap was 13 of 28 for 127 yards, no touchdowns, and 3 interceptions. He finished with a whopping 20.1 quarterback rating. Ouch. You don’t suck, because you’re a damn good QB, but this week you suuuuuucked.
“Holy Crap, I’m Awesome!?” Breakout Performance of the week:
James Starks – GB Packers
I almost gave this award to Pierre Garcon, but Starks broke the very laughable record of 44 straight games without a 100 yard rusher for the Packers. Don’t get too comfy here, James. I bet you’ll be up in that other column before too long. You WERE playing the Redskins, remember.