Hostages: The One Where Dylan McDermott is Still Hot (E1)

By: Baby Z

I wasn’t sure about the premise of this show at first.  How could the writers take a storyline about a group taking a doctor’s family hostage in order to force the doctor to make the choice of killing the President during surgery the next day or her family dies into a multi-season show?

They can’t.

And, as of right now, they’re not even pretending they’re going to try.  CBS is advertising this show as a 15 episode-series only, which piqued my interest.  Add in Dylan McDermott and….what the hell, I’ll give it a shot!

The show starts off with the hostage takeover already underway, the Sanders family sitting on the couch watching football, but not enjoying it.  The camera pans left to right to show the audience the “what the fuck am I going to do” mother (and aforementioned doctor, btw) Sanders, the you-just-know-this-kid’s-gonna-be-trouble young teenage son, the HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD IS THAT FATHER……..????… NO…. THAT COULDN’T BE….  HOLD UP, LET ME PAUSE THIS MOTHER FUCKER AND REWIND RIGHT QUICK BECAUSE………….HOLY FUCK NATION that IS IN FACT the one and only Josh-OOOO-ahhh from Friends, only now he looks like, you know, OLD and perverted for ever having asked Rachel out to begin with.

Exhibit A (Tate Donovan aka Josh-OOOO-aaaah on Friends:

And Tate Donovan now, making me feel incredibly old:

*AHEM*  Ok, so once we moved passed this anomaly, we see there’s one more in the Sanders clan, who looks to be an angsty teenage female character.  Of course.

4 people dressed in black surround them, headed by, you guessed it - Dylan McDermott.

Cut to brief bloody looking US Flag introduction.

We are then transported to 12 hours earlier, whereby Doctor Sanders is at the White House giving a press conference about the procedure she will be performing on the POTUS the following day to save his life.  She says the procedure will take longer but will significantly cut down on recovery time, and the whole country sighs in relief because we ALL know that we can’t possibly function without the Great & Powerful Oz,  POTUS in charge of everything.  Insert obvious sarcastic political snark here.

The camera pans over & we see that the POTUS is someone who looks like the result of what you’d get if you combine all the US presidents over the last 40 years together (minus our current “President” hahaha…. HUMOR people….)

After the press conference there’s a brief conversation between the POTUS and what can be assumed is one of his advisors, Quentin, who says this surgery is going to be GREAT for the Pres., the women’s groups will eat it up that he chose a woman surgeon, the patients rights groups will adore it, blahblahblahblah I am ready for more Dylan McDermott please.

Annnnnd today God decides he loves me because the next scene is a bank robbery in progress: 2 perps, 13 hostages and about a bazillion law enforcement officials surrounding said bank.  

Rather than the normal phone conversations back and forth and back and forth ad infinitum - - suddenly one of the snipers takes out one of the perps in front of all the hostages and his partner-in-crime.  Someone one the ground, presumably the head of the DC squad starts freaking out about “Who the hell gave that order to fire?” and dum DUM DUMMMMMMMM - my Dylan did, that’s who.  And he’s FBI - so there.

Mrrrowl.

“Agent Carlisle” informs the one remaining perp that if he lets 12 of the 13 hostages go, he will be provided with safe transport.  Shortly after, 12 hostages come barrelling out, Agent Hottie McHotterson gives the all clear for the safe transport to be brought around and the perp comes out with the 1 remaining hostage in front of him for protection.

Agent Carlisle walks right up to them and shoots the hostage dead, only to find that it was really the perp, who had switched places with the one remaining hostage.  Random DC cop says, “How did you know” to which Agent HMcH (His name heretoforth) responds that the shoes were different.  DC Cop says, “What if you were wrong?” and Agent HMcH replies, “I wasn’t.”

BAM.

The following “however long” (5 minutes?  1/2 hour? I lose track…) shows us varying scenes of the “bad guys” preparing to take the doctors’ family hostage.  Cameras installed in the house, phones being tapped, etc..,etc.., and also shows Agent HMcH visiting his unconscious wife in the hospital where we’re told she has cancer and the chemo isn’t so easy on her but she seems to be more relieved after his visits.  And every woman everywhere says “So say we all.”

We are then introduced to the Agent’s daughter and his father, with whom he’s leaving his daughter for awhile.  It appears as though the Agent’s father knows what’s up because he asks Agent Hottie if he’s “sure” about everything and, of course, Agent HMcH assures his father that he is.

Oh, I’m sure this will have meaning in the upcoming weeks but the doctor’s husband who, my GOD I AM SORRY - JOSH-OOOOO-aah - seriously????  From Friends.  Rachel’s HUGE crush from the department store - this is the SAME. GUY???

Anyhow, he’s the coach of his son’s lacrosse team and has found a large stash of money in the team equipment locker to which his son and 1 other kid fess up that it’s theirs and that it’s for beer & fake IDs for a party.

Liars 1 & 2, moving on.

We’re then treated to a angsty teen conversation between friends about how the doctor’s daughter’s clearly been crying and is she going to talk to “Boyd” and the doctor’s daughter is all “Oh hell naw.”  So something’s up there too. 

Secret Secrets Are No Fun, Secret Secrets Hurt Someone!  

Sorry, I miss The Office dearly.

As late afternoon carries on, angsty teen is about to leave the house even though doctor wife cooked dinner in what was insinuated to be the first time in THEIR ENTIRE LIVES she’s ever done so, and we pan outside to see that “the bad guys” are ready to take everyone hostage. 

Camera pans upstairs to a “secret book compartment” type thing in the son’s room, containing a phone and some cash & the message on the phone is from a menacing sounding “NICO” (of course) telling the Doctor’s son he better have the rest of his money tonight OR ELSE.  He and his friend have a conversation to really drive home that NICO is a “dangerous drug dealer guy” and that they better figure something out when the son hears the family dog attempt to warn them of the impending doom about to bear down upon them.  (And I literally say out loud to my 16 year old daughter, “They better not kill that dog.”)

The angsty teen girl is walking to meet up with what we can assume to be Boyd, only she’s being trailed by the only female “bad guy” in this scenario, whose orders are to get her & not let her leave with Boyd.  Just as she’s about to do so, Boyd & Angsty Teen get in a retarded argument that took like 30 seconds, something about him wanting to meet her family and maybe they wouldn’t mind so much if they actually met him (to which she’s vehemently against)?  My daughter said he looked a bit older & she looked 12 and while I didn’t really agree, this seemed to be all that made sense so, angsty teen (MORGAN!!  Her name is MORGAN!!) gets out of the car to walk back home.  

Back at the Doctor’s house, while Doc is taking a shower, her creepy old Josh-OOOOO-aaaa comes in, but then gets a mysterious “Can you talk?” text from someone named JC (seriously, they may as well have named this family the Secretsons because they all apparently have a ton of them), someone snatches the teen boy from looking for his (presumed dead) dog and the “bad chick” that’s been tailing Morgan follows her into the house just barely making it under the garage door before it closes shut.  Morgan high-tails it to her restroom and removes a (dun DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN) pregnancy test.  Only before she sees the results, the “bad guys” have the entire family hostage.

Agent HMcH and the other 3 remove their masks, freaking the kids out because they have seen movies and know that this means that they’re all dead because now they’ve seen the “bad guys’” identities, but Agent HMcH instructs them that no one will get hurt if they listen & follow instructions, followed by all their electronic equipment being collected (which is where you’d see ME freak right the fuck out because HELLO!!!  MY LAPTOP!!!!???? Oh hellllllllll no.)

Agent HMcH asks to speak with the Doctor upstairs, to which Josh-OOOOOO-aaaaa is like “No, she ain’t going anywhere alone with you” and is met with a swift gun wallop to the chest with a hint of “sit the fuck back down, bet you wish you ended up with Rachel now dontcha?”

In the bedroom upstairs, the doctor is finally apprised of “the plan” to kill the POTUS during the surgery or her family will die.  If she succeeds, they will never see any of the “bad 4 that are there” again.

Decisions, decisions.

The next scene is the family eating dinner with the “bad guys” pretty much circling them.  

Husband:  What is it, what do they want?

Wife:  Don’t ask me I can’t tell you.

Husband:  It’s about the President, isn’t it?

Wife:  OK, I can tell you since you guessed, he’s threatening to kill you if I don’t kill the President during surgery tomorrow.

The doctor gets up, puts her dishes in the sink and activates what appears to be a home security device.  Just as the “bad guys” are making sure the house is locked down, one of them comes to Agent HMcH and says “Somebody tripped the silent alarm.” Agent HMcH looks at the doc (knowing she’s the only one with the balls to do it) and makes her take the “security call” that follows, to which she assures the security company it was an accident, everything’s fine, etc.., but they are sending someone anyway to make sure, it’s PROTOCOL ma'am - click.

When the security person gets there, who should it be but the same guy the doctor witnessed coming out of her office earlier in the day at work, which is when she realizes that this is just bigger than she could have imagined. Dun dunnnnnnnnnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.  At least, that’s what I’m assuming she’s thinking, at this point she appears to be the only one in the family without any secrets floating about, so I’m just going to guess that she’s been meandering thru her life clueless up until this point about everything.

Agent HMcH then reels off a list of facts about the family that shows that they’ve done their homework, they know everything there is to know about the family, and maybe NOW THEY WILL START LISTENING TO HIM DAMMIT.

They return to the kitchen, where they’re instructed to separate everyone, and the kids’ handlers are a little too rough for Josh-OOOOO-aaah’s liking so he attempts to hit one of the bad guys & this time is met with a swift metal baton weapon thing to the back of the head.

Separated is where we find out that A)  Josh-OOOOO-aaaahhh is having an affair on the doctor so, if he doesn’t get “on board” with his wife killing the POTUS, pictures (shown to him) will be revealed.  He’s told to instruct his wife to cooperate.

Agent HMcH explains that the liquid vial he’s holding will begin failing all the POTUS’s organs 5 minutes after she releases it during surgery. It is untraceable and the doctor should follow all normal procedures to attempt to save him, but that nothing will work.

He puts the vial in (OF COURSE) a lipstick container.  Since, ya know, she’s a woman.

The “bad guy” who’s assigned to the bratty teenage boy hears the secret “weed” phone go off and the kid tells him about the weed deal between he and Nico.  

The “bad chick” assigned to the angsty teenage girl and her have a conversation about how “Boyd” isn’t gonna call (now they’re going to, what, bond over how men suck?)

The bratty teenage boy starts crying about his (OH YEAH - THE FAMILY DOG!!) dog, and is shown that they just drugged the dog, but did not kill him, the last thing they want is PETA on their asses.

Agent HMcH calls his father to check on his daughter, finds out she’s fine and asks his dad if “he’s” there.  His dad hands “him” the phone and it turns out to be……… the POTUS’s advisor Quentin from earlier in the show.

Angsty teen girl (MORGAN!!  I must remember names……) starts to feel nauseous, goes to the restroom to “throw up” and checks the pregnancy test only HMcH is suspicious, breaks the door in, sees her holding the preggo stick and just before the doctor mom comes in she pleads with ‘bad guy’ to please not say anything.  He grabs the stick from her hand and hides it behind his back.  

The next morning, everyone sends doctor mama off to kill the President, and when she arrives at the hospital she’s met with a plethora of scum sucking press & media. She’s then shown going to the POTUS’s room for one last visit, and you see her switch a labeled vial of something with a matching one on his hospital table.  You assume (at least I did) that this was the drug she was given by Agent HMcH, however, shortly thereafter - there’s breaking news that the President’s surgery has been delayed because he was accidentally given blood thinners shortly before surgery & you realize little Miss Smarty Pants Doctor bought herself some more time.  

And pissed of my Agent Hottie McHotterson, I’m sure.  As she’s leaving the hospital, the press asks her if she’s upset about the postponing of the surgery, to which she pointedly looks at the camera and says, “No - I don’t give up that easily.”

Quotes from the episode to ponder when considering where the future plotline is taking us:

Sometimes you have to do a bad thing, for a good reason.

-Agent Carlisle

Have a tutti fuckin frutti day,
-BZ