The Vampire Diaries: I Know What You Did Last Summer (Season 5, Episode 1)

My love for this show just keeps getting validated. Season 5 begins with Damon and Elena having lots of sex, college prep, more sulking and moping from Jeremy, Bonnie remaining pretty much as irrelevant as she’s always been, Rebekah and Matt having lots of sex in Europe (sometimes with guests), and a shot of Stefan locked up under water, clearly suffering. Basically, a quick summary of what was going on all summer.

(AHEM: Am I the only one who finds it highly unlikely that Rebekah Mikaelson, after being alive for hundreds of years and being around thousands of gorgeous, interesting men, would BOTHER to waste her entire summer shagging the Dull as Dirty Dishwater Matt Donovan? I mean, yes, his humanity and fragility make him appealing or whatever but not THAT appealing. Three months is an awfully long time to spend with a high school football player who thinks he’s better than everyone, including you, when you’re an immortal with very little patience.)

Elena prepares to go to college with Caroline while secretly sneaking glimpses of her phone to see if Stefan has tried calling. Oh, and everyone but Jeremy still thinks Bonnie is backpacking around the globe or whatever. Elena makes Damon promise to take good care of Jeremy while she’s away at Whitmore, which makes perfect sense given Damon’s history of being so good with children and not killing them on a whim.

Elena and Caroline arrive on campus while Caroline makes the case that it’s not too late to track Stefan down and make things right. Meanwhile, Bonnie the ghost lingers nearby pretending to be involved in reality. First: Bonnie, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU. Second: Caroline, Elena spent the summer in various creative positions with his BROTHER. Stefan may not be as forgiving as you think.

Just after Liz bids the girls farewell, Caroline and Elena make the unsettling discovery that they have a roommate. A short, bespectacled girl named Megan.They argue about how to resolve the situation (not a good idea, being vampires bunking with a human). Caroline, practical as ever, suggests compelling her to leave. Elena refuses any vampire action, claiming she wants a “normal” college experience.

ELENA. I mean, didn’t Damon spend all summer teaching her how fun it was to be immortal and powerful? Elena has been talking about wanting a “normal life” for as long as her life has been abnormal. I think it’s time she let go of that dream and embrace the crazy.

Katherine shows up at the Salvatore boarding house, frazzled and apparently not loving life as a human. He thinks she wants to be turned, but she’s afraid if she dies she won’t wake a vampire because of the cure. It sucks being vulnerable and weak after spending hundreds of years ruining people’s lives without fear of consequence, doesn’t it Miss Katherine? Never fear, Damon will hide you because his misguided sense of chivalry trounces all other reasoning!

Stefan stops by to visit Liz at the town picnic, except he has no desire to be recognized as Stefan - he immediately explains that he’s Silas, and drinks some of her blood while determining whether or not she can be useful to him. The answer is no.

Jeremy is back at Mystic Falls High after spinning everyone a story about how he went a little crazy but he’s all better now - and not really dead by the way, nevermind that pesky memorial service. Except people pick on crazy outcasts, and Jeremy, still having that Hunter strength, goes Hulk on their asses with everyone staring in horror.

He gets expelled and Damon has to compel the principal to give him a three-day suspension instead, with a stern warning that Elena can’t know anything about the not-good happenings in Mystic Falls. Damon should really start taking his cues from Stefan and be HONEST, especially given Elena’s distaste for being left out of the know.

Caroline and Elena are still bitching about the complication of Megan. Caroline raids Megan’s mini fridge and discovers that a bottle labeled “protein water” is actually vervane. Caroline thinks Megan is onto them and wants to lock her up and compel her, but Elena wants everyone to get along and love each other. (I almost always agree with Caroline.)

Hoping to appear normal, they go to a frat party. The guy who gave them the flyer shows up, looking maybe too interested in getting to know them, and I’m wondering what the writers are up to, especially since after seeing them and wondering why they won’t come inside (no invitation) Megan runs through the upper level of the house screaming for help, more specifically asking Elena for help by calling her phone. Then, suddenly, she drops out of an upper-story window and lands at their feet and it’s pretty clear a vampire did the deed. Goodbye, Megan.

Silas as Stefan shows up at the Mystic Grill and hugs Damon, apparently oblivious to the fact that brothers who nail their younger brother’s woman do NOT get huggy greetings. Damon looks uneasy, AS WELL HE SHOULD, and Jeremy (like Bonnie) is also there but not really doing anything worthwhile. Except, WAIT. Silas reads Damon’s mind and realizes Katherine is hiding out at the Salvatore place and, after a quick goodbye/shoulder pat for Jeremy, is gone. Jeremy says that Stefan’s touch was BAD TOUCH and he thinks maybe Silas is still alive and kicking and Damon dismisses the whole thing as bullshit but then Jeremy reminded him of a time when he was a HUNTER, and shouldn’t he be paying attention and what did Silas WANT anyway? Uh-oh.

Back the the Salvatore’s, Katherine is enjoying a bubble bath when Stefan (Silas) strolls in. She looks glad to see him and gives him big come-hither eyes. He does, and gets close enough to start drowning her. She slashes at his face with a razor which gives her time to run away…

(I’m sorry, but Silas was besting all the baddest vampires, including Klaus, and suddenly little human Katherine gives him her best home-run swing with a razor and his cheek bleeds and he’s injured enough to let her escape?)

…and just as she IS running away in a bathrobe in her delicate human feet, Damon and Jeremy show up and Damon commands Jeremy to take her far away as fast as possible.

The police at Whitmore College decide that Megan’s death is a suicide, and the case is closed. Caroline and Elena aren’t convinced, and are busy wondering why the cops are so convinced so easily.

Damon and Silas share a drink while Silas explains that Stefan is his shadow self, a way for nature to balance things after he became immortal. He also explains that Stefan is trapped and suffering horribly, and he won’t disclose the location of the younger Salvatore unless Damon coughs up Katherine. Guilt trumps chivalry (although in my opinion Damon still doesn’t look guilty enough) and Damon calls Jeremy and tells him to bring Katherine back.

Stefan being trapped under water basically means he’s drowning, and then passing out, and then waking up panicked and drowning, and passing out…Repeat. Over and over again. Suckfest.

Jeremy gets off the phone and says they’re going back. Katherine, perhaps forgetting how easily she can die, fights Jeremy for control and wrecks the car.

Matt is still partying it up at the town picnic when he sees the girl who was the third part of his threesome in Europe. He gets all excited and jaunts right over, and she tells him she took Jeremy’s ring and wants to return it. He looks like maybe he was hoping she had another reason to visit him. She pushes the ring back onto his finger just as a witch comes up behind him and waves his hand and gives Matt all-black eyes. Aaaand now we have a third evil to worry about!

Caroline and Elena go back to their dorm room and realize it was broken into. Someone, presumably the murderer or his close friend, stole Megan’s laptop but was not clever enough to also steal her phone. As a result, Elena finds a photo of Megan and her own father on the phone. Elena and Caroline look perplexed, but when you add up the vervane water and the phone call to Elena seconds before her death, I’m guessing Megan comes from a “founding family” of sorts. Also, there are not-nice vampires at Whitmore. Shocker.

Jeremy is dying on the roadside, but Katherine is well enough to walk/stumble away from the accident. He pleads for help, and she proves she’s just as heartless in human form by ignoring him and getting the hell out of there. Luckily, Damon knew something was wrong and arrives in time to save Jeremy.

Tyler explains to Caroline via voicemail that he’s staying with the wolf pack and not showing up for college. Basically he breaks up with her over the phone, which she realizes and starts to cry. It’s not that sad because KLAUS, Caroline. Klaus!

Down at the bottom of the lake, Stefan hallucinates conversations with Damon and Elena. Damon wants him to flip his humanity switch and spare himself further agony; Elena, somehow believing her opinion should matter, encourages him not to.

Silas interrupts a speech by Bonnie’s dad at the town picnic, getting on stage and explaining that he thinks all the blood he’s been drinking has made him pretty powerful. At first the crowd looks worried but then he starts talking about compelling larger groups of people and giving orders. The entire crowd is hanging on every word he says. He cuts Bonnie’s dad’s throat wide open and nobody (except ghost Bonnie) does or says anything. He then tells them to find a girl who looks exactly like Elena Gilbert.

Um, not good. Silas can compel mobs now, and I’m thinking you can only fight off so many mindless crazies before you get tired and need a nap. Or a gallon of blood.

So we have Silas wrecking havoc in Mystic Falls, witches are playing tricks on Matt, and some kind of dark mystery is unraveling at Whitmore College. Trouble in threes, I LIKE IT.