Hostages: The One Where This Show Can Suck It (S1:E7)

By: Baby Z

So, last week we left off with Ellen and Joshoooaaaaa’s brilliant idea to attempt to kill Agent Carlisle. Episode 7 picks up pretty much where we left off, Kramer had just killed someone during his and Sardine’s (purposeful misspelling) Poker Game Gone Bad escape. Carlisle was talking to who I am assuming is Carlisle’s dad? Or is it Kramer’s - do we know yet? Or care?

Regarding Kramer, Carlisle said he’s all good, handling things well, yada yada and the scene switches to Kramar in Confessional, mentioning how far is TOO far when it comes to trying to help someone you love? (His sister, ya’ll, not Sardine… yet, anyway….) Carlisle’s dad/father-in-law reiterates that his daughter will be taken care of should something happen to him. Carlisle said he didn’t expect the troubles he’s getting from Ellen so he’s going to have to turn her hubby into an ally, and turn Ellen into a killer.

Archer’s Nurse Angela’s Murder Accomplice’s lawyer’s (WOW that was a mouthful) pissed & is ready to talk to the DA about Angela’s death and even though Carlisle put Archer in jail to take care of said accomplice, the opportunity has not yet presented itself.

Archer meets up with said accomplice at the beginning of the episode and confirmed that dude better not say shit, but when Archer walks away - his accomplice has that “I have a secret plan” look in his eyes. Archer’s called to meet with what turns out to be Sardine? What the hell is her name again? Let’s just go with Sardine. She actually looks better in this “lawyer” getup than she did as the supposed sexy poker dealer last week, in my opinion. So Sardine informs him he should have already taken care of his accomplice, so hurry up and do it already because dude has a meeting with DA that day at 5pm.

Ellen & Joshoooooaaaaaa converse about how they should try to kill Carlisle, useless Joshooooaaaaaa suggests a gun, Ellen shoots (ha!) that down. Joshoooooooooaaaa then conveniently slips in that Ellen still has the magical poison that Carlisle gave her to use on the President. Soooo, she’s had the poison the whole time and hasn’t considered using it why exactly? Carlisle was insistent on taking her medical bag / first aid kit but conveniently let her hold on to the poison-for-which-there-is-no-cure? OK. Ohhh, apparently this is also the perfect opportunity to bring up that she knows someone who kills people and is going to try that route.

Ellen’s off to pre-op check the Pres out while Archer gets caught almost killing his accomplice just before a guard walks up, thwarting his plans. We meet the First Lady’s sister and Morgan is brought in to meet with a DCFS counselor because of her doctor suspecting abuse. Morgan passively denies anything’s going on, the DCFS person asks that her brother be brought in and you just KNOW Jake’s bound to screw SOMETHING up right?

Ellen & the First Lady exchange words about making sure the President’s surgery go smoothly this time, Kramer calls someone (cops/hospital?) for status on the guy whose ass he beat last week, just as Sardine walks in & tells him that he’s not to blame for what happened. Carlisle interrupts & Kramer leaves to go see his sister whom he said sounded lonely. Joshoooooooooaaaaaa is searching for the poison that could be contained in ANYTHING but, of course, he manages to find it in Ellen’s lipstick, right where Carlisle put it in the first episode. And, of course, Carlisle walks in just as this happens, but Joshoooooooaaaaa manages to conceal the poison.

Carlisle orders him downstairs stating that he has a project for him, which turns out to be general contractor work fixing the bullet hole in the wall. Honestly, did the writers mean for this show to be a TV Movie of the week but decided last minute to turn it into a season because *yawn* my interest, as I stated last week, is fading pretty quickly about this show. Not to mention, I have started watching American Horror Story this year (Coven), and I hear that Dylan McDermott plays a role each season so, I’m sort of on THAT bandwagon and not this one at the moment. Let’s see if the episode gets any better, shall we?

Ellen pulls up to an unannounced stop, which causes words to be exchanged with Sardine, who lets her go ahead & go into the place of which she has no clue about. Seems legit. Turns out, the person Ellen knows that kills people is Carlisle’s DAD!? She starts giving him all the details that she was ordered not to tell a soul about to the one person who not only knows all these (and more) deets but is on some level behind them up to and including masterminding the entire arrangement. This I didn’t see coming. Interest level piquing a bit.

Archer gets his ass beat by a correctional officer that’s on his accomplice’s side apparently. Jake gets 20-questioned by DCFS and OF COURSE, ends up fucking things up by explaining his black eye first with a sports excuse, then with a “I got in a fight” excuse however THEN he pulls out all the stops by telling DCFS that the fight was with Morgan’s boyfriend, poor Boyd who seems to be a pretty decent dude so far in the show. Jake insinuates the reason for the fight is that he, too, thinks Boyd is abusing Morgan.

Joshooooooooaaaaa continues to show his ineptitude in fixing the drywall bullet hole patch, when Carlisle comes in for the kill - - to get Joshooooooooooaaaaa on his side convincing Ellen to kill the President. Joshoooooooa, in a surprisingly smart move, asks for Carlisle’s assurance that the poison will work immediately, that if he’s going to ask his wife to do this, he needs to know it will be an immediate death, that it won’t be traceable, and will look as though the death was due to natural causes. Very smart Joshoooooooaaaaaaa. Once he gets the assurance he wants, he “agrees” to try to convince Ellen. Carlisle suddenly becomes a marriage counselor for a second, telling Joshoooooooaaaa that he & Ellen will work thru their problems, but Joshoooooooaaaa says he needs asprin for a headache so Carlisle runs off to fetch some for him. (Really?)

Carlisle and Kramer have a brief conversation by which we get confirmation that Kramer really wasn’t visiting his sister (duh) by way of showing him parked and then pulling away from a “Pete’s Ale House.” OK. Archer makes an arrangement to have a white supremacist kill the Nurse Angela murder accomplish and Carlisle’s dad tells Ellen that he knows someone who might be able to help but that it will cost and, of course, Ellen doesn’t care how much she has to spend. He assures her that ALL will be fine and they hug, only to have Carlisle’s daughter come barrelling down the stairs to show Grandpa some artwork and, if you remember correctly, Ellen and Carlisle’s daughter know one another from the Art Fair at the school. Ellen looks suspiciously at Carlisle’s dad, tries to deny that she was the “Jane” that Carlisle’s daughter met, and Carlisle’s dad isn’t buying any of it. Ellen finds a picture of Kramer & Grandpa, along with a hospital bill for Carlisle’s wife and puts it together that Carlisle is either Grandpa’s son or son-in-law.

Carlisle and Joshoooooooaaaa have the same exact conversation it seems they’ve had a bazillion times during this show, that Joshooooooooooaaaa needs to convince Ellen to kill the President.

OK DUDE - WE GET IT. Joshooooooaaaa excuses himself to use the restroom, finds their medical bag in an unlocked room upstairs where he procures a syringe with which to inject the poison into Carlisle, goes into bathroom to prepare, and of course Carlisle is immediately knocking on the door asking if he’s OK.

After blaming upset stomach on pain meds, it appears as though Carlisle may have been onto Joshoooooaaaaaa but, turns out, naaaah - nothing to worry about here. Cut back to Ellen & Grandpa.

Turns out, 15 years ago Ellen was responsible for someone’s death and Grandpa was the attorney friend of her father’s that got her out of the charges. No real details were given, of course. However she finally figures out that he’s responsible for her being chosen to operate on the President,and looks confused and befuddled (as always)……….. like this:

Don’t believe me?? Here’s another:

…when we cut to the President and his sister-in-law that we met earlier. It’s not even remotely interesting enough to go into detail but let’s just say, this is the first sign we’re given that the old POTUS isn’t the good guy we’ve been thinking he is, and he and his sis-in-law once had a one-night-stand. *Yawn*

The First Lady then goes in to see her hubby, and by way of a snarky little conversation we’re told that it was thru her money and connections that his political career was made possible. Perhaps whatever is going on is actually HER doing and not his?

Back in the prison yard, the accomplice’s lawyer arrives for their meeting and a guard is on their way down to get dude. Archer gives the signal and when the white supremacist dude starts a riot, the guard says “Uhh… we’ve got a little problem down here” on his walkie talkie in what has GOT to be the understatement of the year and just as tear gas is thrown, Archer’s got his accomplice in a head lock, choking the shit out of him. And, bam, the accomplice is taken care of.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is telling Ellen she doesn’t realize the brevity of the situation, that Duncan nor him are the ones calling the shots and that if the President doesn’t die, all of them will - including Ellen and her family along with Carlisle & Gramps. Morgan & Jake are leaving school for the day and are met by Boyd, who was called in (to a HIGH SCHOOL?) by the DCFS chick. He asks Morgan what it’s all about, sees the bruise on her arm, and as Jake rushes her off it now looks like Boyd thinks Jake is beating his sister?

Joshooooooooaaaaaa is seen filling the syringe with the poison, when he gets a phone call from Ellen and, completely moronically does not answer (I mean, really…with the situation that they’re all in he doesn’t pick up his phone? Come on, writers.)

ONCE AGAIN he has the same conversation he’s been having with Carlisle about convincing Ellen to…what was that again? Oh yeah, kill the President, and meanwhile Kramer is at Grandpa’s house telling him he found out that the guy he beat up in last week’s episode died.

Grandpa needs all the details and reminds Kramer that they’re doing all this for Nina, Kramer’s conflicted about holding a family hostage and now killing someone… Archer calls Carlisle to confirm their “situation” had been taken care of, says he’s ready to come home, Carlisle assures him he’ll make the call. Cut scene to Kramer in a bar pushing his food aside to order a Bourbon (remember, it’s been alluded to that he has a substance abuse problem) only just as he’s about to fall off the wagon for the first time in 2 years, Sardine comes in to save the day. She tells him that they’re going to be ok and they have a little makeout session which, 99.9% of viewers have seen coming for a couple weeks now. And, just as they’re leaving the bar to have some sexy time - the police are waiting for Kramer to bring him in for questioning with regards to the homicide last week.

Just as Joshooooooooooaaaa is about to kill Carlisle, Ellen walks in, sees the syringe ready to plunge and says “NO BRIAN DON’T” just in time to warn Carlisle that Joshooooooooaaaaaa was about to do something very bad. A fight ensued, the end result being the syringe firmly placed in Carlisle’s chest.

If I decide to stick this show out, I’ll see you guys next week with what I’m sure will be information that there actually IS an antidote to the poison or that Carlisle was on to Joshoooaaaaaaaa the whole time, replaced the poison with water or whatever just to see if Joshoooooooaaaa actually had the cojones to kill him, and will actually be just fine. I mean, it IS Dylan McDermott we’re talking about here.

Have a tutti fuckin frutti day,
-BZ

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